There's a girl I like who doesn't like me. I know she'll never marry me but I can't stand not to have her in my life. What should I do?
a desperate man in south dakota
dear desperate,
help is at hand. really. you are so lucky to live in south dakota. women won't be allowed abortions soon, so all you have to do is go over to her house some night and keep raping her until she's pregnant. Once the baby's born, you can claim paternal rights to the child and see them both every weekend for at least 18 years, if not more.
ps...this option may also soon be available for desperate men in Missouri, Indiana, Kentucky, Oklahoma, West Virginia, Georgia and Tennessee.